I always stood by your side and I didn’t really want to walk away. I was doing my best to understand you and to meet you. When I think about it more, I didn’t really walk away— you pushed me away.
Nevertheless, there are some things left unsaid. There is something in me screaming and forcing me to call you, to take my phone and tell you everything I have storming inside me, but I stop myself. I stop myself because you are not calling either. You want me not to call you as I can see.
I’ll be drowned in these words if I don’t say them, so I’ll write. I am going to write down everything as if you are going to read it. As if these words will hit you and as if they are going to make you realize what is it that we had.
I know I shouldn’t have left in silence, but the truth is, I had no idea which card to play. I honestly had no idea. My heart was telling me one thing, but my mind something completely opposite. And I listened to my mind. Now, my heart hurts to death each night when my brain falls asleep.
Love doesn’t just disappear like that after a relationship has ended. It stays much longer to remind us of everything we used to have. Your smell is still my favorite and I still gaze towards my phone waiting for a sign from you.
You know, I was mad. I was so mad after everything you said in the moment of rage. I was dead furious. I walked away with my feet hitting the ground as if the stampede was running somewhere nearby.
I wanted to scream and hit something really hard, but I didn’t. Instead, I turned around and I held my voice in, but I let my tears out. The only sound you could hear was me running away from you.
I shouldn’t have left us in silence. I should have said everything I had out loud.
I should have said how much your words hurt me and that no girl deserves ever to be treated like that. No girl, and especially the one that you love.
Especially the one that devoted her body and soul in these few months to you and to our relationship. I never searched for the tribute, because I did all these things out of love. Because I believed we could’ve made it. You obviously thought differently.
I should have said how much you meant to me and how much the past few months made me happy. Your hand in mine, you kissing me on the forehead, and your hands shamelessly hugging me in the middle of the street were your way to say the rest of the world to whom I belong.
Every movie we went to, every trip you shared with me and every conversation we had made me feel special.
You made me feel like I am the only girl in this world and I loved the fact you only had eyes for me. I know you had only eyes for me and that no other girl stood a chance next to me. Not because I was the God’s ultimate creation but because you loved me. And when you love, you love with your whole heart.
I should’ve taken you by the hand and tried to explain everything that had happened. I should have said that nothing is more important than the two of us in this world and that you are the only one I could rely on.
The thing is I can still count on you. If I’d choose anyone to be my 911 call, it would be you. Because you’d have always found your way to me in my time of need.
I should have said how you’re the only guy I imagine myself with and how you are the only one I want to build my future with. The only man on whose touch I’d agreed on till the rest of my life. The only one I felt is worthy of my time and my love.
You never knew that I pictured us living in a small house with a giant bed, eating a homemade breakfast at the kitchen table while talking about what our plans are for that day.
You were the only one I wanted to have kids with. Remember how often we joked about it? I said three would do and you said how six is just enough. God, I miss those days.
I wanted to be the one applauding the loudest at your success and you should be the one with the biggest smile standing in a crowd on the day I’d accomplish my biggest dream. We don’t get that now, do we?
But I’ll always be your secret admirer. I’ll be the one cheering for you from a distance because I know people like you were born to do great things in this world. You’ll make it because failure was never an option to you.
You fight hard for the things you want in life. I know that because I remember how strong you fought to win me over. I just needed you to hold on to me just for a while and we could go through my unsteadiness together.
I never had a feeling for anybody else. It took me a while to know I am not alone and it took me a moment to get used to having you around. And when I finally did, when I started daydreaming about our future, I lost you. I didn’t really want to lose you. I didn’t think we are going to end up like this.
But I am a bit tired of being the one dragging this relationship forward. Maybe you have been the one that loved more, but I was the one that was trying more. I was the one who was looking for the solution to our problem while you were looking for the way out. I know it’s much easier to give up, but I refused every single time to give up on our love.
This time I allowed you to let me go. This time I walked away. I walked away and you didn’t try to stop me.
The truth is I walked away but I haven’t given up on us just yet. I might not have you next to me, but I’ll keep you a spot in my heart.
I am not saying goodbye because I have the feeling our roads will cross again. It might be too late, but we will meet one more time. We will get the chance to talk about everything—something is telling me this.